Today is my first day. I ask myself, how do I feel right now? About being 30? I don’t know much about it yet. It’s like entering a new club as a newcomer. I don’t know anyone, I don’t know where to station myself or who to approach first.
Even though hours ago I was still in my twenties, I feel like I’m in a totally different world now. It’s no longer “adulting” for me. That word connotes a work in progress, and at this age it should no longer be a work in progress. But really—when do you stop adulting and start being an actual adult? Is there really an age for that? Nonetheless, I feel like I’m in an age where I should already know better and it’s much harder to make excuses for my mistakes. Still, every day, I still make a lot of mistakes in my life. There are a lot of things I want to do and should do, but I’m still not quite sure how to do them properly. Somebody tell me where the last person left the manual.
Who am I? It has been a question I’ve been asking myself since forever—since I hit my teens I think. Or since I developed an interest in writing and keeping a journal. The very first question I attempted to answer and put into words was: who am I? It’s a question I asked in my teens, in my twenties, and still is a question I ask in my thirties. Every time, the answer is different… But no answer is ever wrong. There is, to some extent, some frustration because the answer sometimes—or maybe often—gets lost in me.
What do I want? It’s the same life question I always pondered over just like, who am I? At one point, I knew exactly what I want. 2020 was really the best time in my life in terms of knowing who I am, what I want, and where I want to be. But fate toyed with me, with many of us. It tested my resolution. I tried to fight hard, but eventually my willpower weakened. And now here I am, slumped on a couch, trying to figure out—yet again—what I want now. All the energy I had built and saved for that place waned… And I’m not sure if I can regain that right now. They say energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So where has mine gone? I guess it evaporated back to the sky.
Am I happy? There are many things to be happy about… I have been blessed to have things easy for me, generally. But if you ask me if I feel fulfilled, that’s a whole different discussion. I may or may not have gone past a golden period. But I definitely don’t feel golden at the moment. I do feel grateful because I’m better off now than I used to be, especially back in college days—I was dirt poor and always evading my landlords, LOL. That’s something I’m very, very grateful for—that those days are over.
What’s next? It’s hard to say in these—cliche as it is—uncertain times. Hmm, but first. I want to, even just slowly, regain—or rediscover—my lost energy. It certainly is going to be hard. Motivation is hard to come by these days. But that’s what I want to do—just like realigning a telescope with the right star, I want to slowly re-tune myself and maybe I can find my star again. Stars are incredible cosmic wonders that keep moving. So, I can’t really stay in one place and be complacent; otherwise, I’ll lose my star. I lost it for a while, but I’m going to work to find it again. Then maybe things will get brighter again, and I’ll get the lost energy back when I find my star.